Drunk Jokes-5

A couple of airplane mechanics are kicked out of the local bar and, with no place else to go, end up in the hangar at LAX. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel--that'll kinda give you a buzz." So they get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn't. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels great--NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?" He said, "I feel great!!" And the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" And he says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff--no hangover. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing. Did you fart yet?" "No." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I did and now I'm in Denver."

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady. She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.
She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john. "Very funny," she said when he returned.
He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one." Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my own ear."
She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear.
He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."
Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town. A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."
He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"
The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?" The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender. The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"
The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

A guy walks into a bar without a dime to his name, convinced that he can persuade the bartender to buy him a drink. He tells the bartender that he is flat broke but if the bartender buys him a drink, he will perform an amazing trick for him.
The bartender asks the guy what kind of trick he will perform and the guy tells him that he will fart the national anthem. The bartender doesn't believe him but the man is persistent, so the bartender agrees.
The guy then tells him that since he needs to take his pants down in order to do the trick and he doesn't want anyone else to see him, he wants to wait until no one else is in the bar. The bartender understands his concerns and when the bar clears out the guy prepares to do his trick.
He takes his pants down and starts straining until all of the veins in his neck are bulging and has an accident on the floor. The bartender comes out from behind the bar as mad as a hornet, grabs the guy by his shirt and starts to toss him out of his bar.
The guy is holding up his pants with his hands, pleading for sympathy and another chance from the bartender and crys out, "hey, even Frank Sinatra had to clear his throat."

A guy walks into a bar and sets a bag down on the stool next to him. He orders two drinks and when they come, he drinks one and quickly opens the bag, pours the other into the bag then closes it again as quick as he can. He orders two more drinks and repeats the procedure again. After the third round of drinks the bartender's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the guy what he is doing. "You don't want to know," he says. But the bartender insists on knowing. The guy reaches down and opens the bag. As the bartender leans over to look in the bag a little man about a foot tall jumps out and runs down the bar kicking over drinks and cursing at all the patrons. Running back up the bar he stops and unzips his pants and pees on the bar then jumps off the bar and back into the bag. The bartender demands to know just what the hell that was all about. "Well," the guy says, "I was in the desert last year and I came across a rattle snake. I was about to kill it when it reared up and started talking to me. It said if I did not kill it it would grant me a wish. Well I thought about it and asked for a 12-inch prick and that's him!"

A guy walks into a bar carrying a duffel bag and sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices the bag and asks the man, "What's in it?"
The man opens the bag and takes out an 8-inch tall man and a small piano and tells the bartender that this is the only 8-inch pianist on earth.
"Wow," exclaims the bartender, "how did you get him?"
"Well, it happened like this. One day I was walking on the beach and I noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a cork on it. I opened the bottle up and a genie appeared. The genie told me that he would grant me one wish and I could wish for anything. You don't think I wished for an 8-inch pianist do you?"

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am," replied the cowboy.
After a short while he asked her what she was. "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women," said the young woman.
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."