Drunk Jokes-3

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he dares have only one beer. The bartender asks him what the problem is, and he replies "The last time I came in drunk at 3:00 A.M. my wife was so bent out of shape we damn neared ended up in divorce court."
The bartender replies "I'll you what, all you have to do is give her an extra special treat and she'll forget her little difficulty with you."
"Such as?" asks the man.
"Do you ever go down on her?"
The man replies, "I really can't bring myself to do that, and, in fact, the mere thought of it makes me sick to my stomach!"
"I'd get over it if I were you," replies the bartender. "Just think, she'll be so grateful and no matter how loaded you are you won't be all stressed-out trying to keep it up and end up resorting to soft-packing."
"I'll give it a try. And now, get me a double Manhattan!"

Our hero stumbles in the house blind-drunk and having a hard time containing his guts. "I'll get this over quick and hope not to upchuck all over her." he thinks. "I don't EVEN want to see it," he tells himself and so goes into the bedroom without even turning on the light and dives straight under the covers at the foot of the bed. The response is incredible!
Our hero's response is an incredible wave of nausea so he rushes into the bathroom where he sees his wife sitting on the toilet taking a tinkle.
"I don't know how you beat me in here," he says, "but be quick! I've got an emergency!"
"Shut up you damn drunk," she hisses. "Your mother's in there trying to sleep!!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and "if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars." The man says, "I can do it!" So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves. About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for. The bartender looks at the man and says, "if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars." The man says, "ok I'll do it!" He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?" The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did". "How did you make him cry?" asks the bartender? "Well I showed him."

A drunk walks into a bar and notices a banner that says "win $10,000; ask bartender for details".
He asks and the bartender says "well, you see that man at the end of the bar?" The drunk looks over and sees a huge, burley dude. The bartender says "if you can knock him out with one punch, you go to the second step...
The door right behind that big guy opens into a room containing an alligator with a sore tooth. if you can pull his tooth and come out alive, you move on to step three...
Those stairs next to the door go up to an eighty year old hooker's apartment. She has never been satisfied by any man. if you can satisfy her, you win the money!"
The drunk says ok and orders a double shot of whiskey. He belts that down, walks to the end of the bar and POW!, knocks the big dude out. He orders another double, belts it down, walks to the door, steps inside and closes the door. BAM, CRASH, GROWL is all the bartender and patrons can hear for a few minutes and then total silence. Five minutes later, the drunk walks out of the room bloody, clothes shredded.
He orders another double, drinks it and says "o.k., where's the hooker with the sore tooth?".

Three guys were talking in the local bar. The manager was so sure that its bouncer was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters, karate masters, and all had failed. Then one day this geeky little fella with heavy black rimmed glasses came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar!
Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?" "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that no one will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

A man walks up to the bartender and says, "I bet you $100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and leak into a jar without spilling a drop."
The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an impossible bet, he'll take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to leak.
He not only misses the jar, but doesn't even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.
The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just obviously lost so badly. The man replies, " I just bet my friends $1000 that I could leak all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!".

Signs You Might Be Trailer Trash

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.